Shattered
by Droiture LeReve
Summary: Rod's life is down the toilet. His job's in the toilet, he's stuck in Avenue Q with a roommate he's been in love with since high school and a boyfriend whose relationship with him has been going rocky. He's taken to self-hurting. What can Nicky do?


Note: Last time I tried to write an Avenue Q fanfiction it ended in horrible disaster, but now I'm back and I'm gonna try again. I have to. It's going to burst out of me like an alien if I don't.

I do not own Avenue Q or any characters, places, or anything of the sort thereof. I also do not own the song Shattered (Turn the Car Around). O.A.R. does, and I have no intention of getting sued for this. I am making no money on this and the only thing I gain from writing this is another second of relief before I find the need to write more. It's a curse being this amazing sometimes. It truly is. ;)

**Shattered**

Sometimes it was difficult. Sometimes it was easy. Sometimes it was just plain impossible, and there were times when Rod honestly considered giving up. He'd stare at his bedside drawer, impossible thoughts running through his head and shaking hands placed firmly in his lap.

_In a way, I need a change  
From this burnout scene  
Another time, another town  
Another everything  
But it's always back to you _

The radio played a song Rod hadn't heard in years, but it affected him all the same. It wasn't a song he wanted to hear, and in his half-crazed state, didn't realize that he could have just gotten up to change the station.

Rod banged his head against the headboard of his bed repeatedly, finally hitting himself hard enough to knock himself unconscious. _FInally, _he thought before everything went black, _Escape. _

It was dark when Nicky got in, and found Rod seemingly asleep on his bed. The bruise on his forehead was hardly noticeable in the dark, not to mention through Rod's blue skin. Nicky, tired as he was, assumed Rod had passed out after working too much and tucked his friend in, smiling softly. Rod always worked too hard for his own good.

Rod woke up the next day, his head hurting and his eyes burning. He could hardly remember what had happened last night, but he had a splitting headache, he knew that.

_How many times can I break till I shatter?  
Over the line can't define what I'm after  
I always turn the car around  
Give me a break let me make my own pattern  
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered  
I always turn the car around _

_Dammit! _Rod cried in his head. That song was playing again. He shook in his bed, covering his ears. He ran out of the room, fixing to make himself some lunch and forget all about that damn music that seized his heartstrings and ripped them in two. He went into the bathroom to clean himself up first, and noticed that a bruise was beginning to peek out from the blue of his skin, that spot a nice greenish-blue color. He popped a couple of painkillers into his mouth and shuffled into the kitchen.

"Wa-Hi, Rod!" Nicky said cheerfully in his usual greeting, waving his hand. Rod didn't respond. "Rod?"

Rod still ignored him, instead making himself coffee.

"Rod, what happened to your head? Did you fall down the stairs again?"

Rod froze. He hadn't actually "fallen" down the stairs that time, though Nicky didn't need to know that much. To be honest, he'd thrown himself down them in an attempt to get amnesia and forget his life.

"No. No Nicky, I didn't fall down the stairs." Rod answered finally, in a clipped tone.

"Well what did happen, then?"

"Life happened, Nicky. It's none of your business."

"Rod, don't shut me out, man. You always do this! You always keep everything so tight inside, like you're afraid that you'll crack the Earth in half if you talk to me."

A knock on the door alerted them both. Rod went to answer it.

"Hey, Gary."

"Hey, Rod! Hey, well, you know how I hate to go all 'raa I'm the super' on you, but it's the 1st of the month again, guys.... I kinda need the rent." Gary said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

Rod swore under his breath. "Shit. Well, listen, Gary, I'm really sorry, but everything's been kind of falling down around me lately. I hate to ask, but could you wait 'till Friday? I get my paycheck then...." Rod started. Both Gary and Nicky stared at him.

"You? Behind on the rent? Rod, the obsessive-compulsive investment banker?" Nicky asked in disbelief.

Rod sighed. "Look, I'll have it Friday, I'm just a little short today."

"Well, alright, Rod. No problem, I guess.... See you Friday, then." Gary said, still a little stunned. He walked away.

"Rick-Nicky. Nicky, hand me the phone, will you?" Rod stammered halfway after he closed the door, holding out his hand. Nicky almost snickered at Rod calling him the wrong name, but handed him the phone anyway. Rod quickly dialed in Ricky's number, and held the phone up to his ear.

_"Y-hello?"_

"Ricky, it's Rod. What's up?

_"Nothing much, babe. You need somethin'?"_

"Yeah, listen. I just had to tell Gary for the first time in fifteen years that I didn't have the rent. I'm totally broke today. I hate to ask, I really do, but do you think you could lend me some money to cover the bills? I'll pay you back, I swear."

_"Don't worry about it. I'll just give it to ya. Don't worry about paying me back. I'll be over in a few, ok?" _

"Thanks, Ricky, you're the best." Rod said, sighing. He hung up and flopped on the couch, holding his aching head in his hands.

_  
I had no idea that the night  
Would take so damn long  
Took it out, on the street  
While the rain still falls  
Push me back to you _

Rod groaned and left the room. He sat on his bed and let the tears fall. His job was tanking. He was two shakes from being laid off. He was behind on the bills, and although Ricky was nice today, their relationship had been going bad for months. He still had feelings for Nicky that he wouldn't express. He felt alone, helpless.

He felt hopeless. He banged his head against the headboard again.

Nicky heard thumping sounds as he was eating, and went to investigate.

"Rod!'

Rod looked up. He'd broken through the bruised skin on his head and it was beginning to bleed, shimmering red liquid slowly tracing a pattern down his face and mixing with his tears.

"Rod, what the hell are you doing to yourself?!" Nicky cried, pulling his best friend away from the bed.

_How many times can I break till I shatter?  
Over the line can't define what I'm after  
I always turn the car around  
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking  
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting  
Always turn the car around _

Rod merely gave a shuddering sob and fell unconscious in Nicky's arms. "Rod!"

Ricky knocked on the door. Nicky rushed to answer it.

"Uh, hey, Nicky. I've got Rod's money..."

"Ricky, get the hell in here!" Nicky yanked Ricky in by his shirt collar, pulling him through the apartment.

"Where the hell are you taking me, Nicky?!"

"To talk some sense into your boyfriend!" Nicky pointed frantically to Rod, still bleeding.

"Rod! What the hell happened in here, Nicky?" Ricky asked, kneeling down to hold Rod gingerly, wiping the blood from his forehead.

"I found him in here beating the hell out of himself, knocking his head against the wall!" Nicky cried. Ricky's grip slacked.

"I knew this was going to happen. I should have seen it coming."

"What are you talking about?" Nicky asked.

"He's been like this for a while. His job is going down, and he's feeling so uptight. I think it has something to do with where his life's been going. He lives on Avenue Q, with a crappy dead-end job, and a roommate he's been in love with since high school."

"Wh-what? Me? But Rod's...I mean, how do you figure--?"

"I figured it out on my own. I mean, look at me. There's no doubting that the two of us are mirror images. He loves you, and I think the fact you're straight kind of kills him inside, day by day."

"But Rod never...."

"Never expressed anything? Of course not. He didn't think you'd accept his feelings for you."

"Of course I would!" Nicky cried out, hurt. "Rod is my best friend! I wouldn't care if he loved me! God, if that's what's hurting him so much, I'd be more than happy to be there for him, even if I don't love him.... quite that way." Nicky said, brushing the blood-matted hair out of Rod's face. "But what about you?" He asked, looking at Ricky.

"I'll find someone else. Yeah, I love him, I love him very much, but for the sake of his happiness, I think it's time to let go."

Rod stirred, his eyes opening slowly. "Ricky? Nicky?"

"We're here for you, Rod." Nicky said, helping his friend up onto his feet. Rod swayed, using Nicky's shoulder as a support.

"What happened?"

"We found you in here knocked out. Bottling stuff inside like that is going to kill you someday, Rod." Ricky said.

"God, Ricky, I'm sorry. I just--"

"Don't worry. I think I've got everything figured out, and well..."

Rod looked at his feet. "This is goodbye, isn't it?" He asked sadly, mumbling.

"I'm sorry, Rod, but I think it's best for both of us."

"I understand. Goodbye, Ricky." Ricky left, leaving the money on the kitchen table.

Rod sat on the bed, Nicky next to him. Nicky put his arm around Rod. "Rod, I want you to know, I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens."

Rod leaned into the embrace, staring at the wall where there was still blood staining the paint. "You wouldn't be if you...."

"Rod, I already know. Ricky told me everything. I'm sorry I was so dense all these years. I guess I never picked up any signs. I do care about you Rod, very much. You're my best friend and I love you. Granted, I'm not gay and therefore don't love you in quite the same way you love me, but granted I love you all the same and no matter what and I promise I'll be there for you, ok?"

"Nicky.... I.... Thank you."

"Anytime, Rod. Anytime."

"I love you Nicky...."

"I love you too, Rod."

~FIN~


End file.
